*Silently staring at the back of Alicia's sleeping head*
Well, the idea was that she go to work an hour early today so we could go see Quasi t'nite... I'm thinking she's not going to be able to shit, shower & shave in about 12 minutes. She is, after all, female.
I really need a hobby or a project or something. I find myself spending more and more time just spacing out, staring at the texture of the ceiling. I've got two new video games I've hardly touched. Maybe I could teach myself magic, or card tricks or something. Oooh, or pick up a book on Photoshop and actually learn how to use it instead of guessing my way thru.
Ramble, ramble, ramble.
A Haiku!
My girlfriend sleeps on,
and we will miss Quasi. But.
Quasi won't miss us...
Thursday
Oi vay... did I drink too much last nite... 2 vicodins, 3 pitchers of beer and a shot of tequilia... all for Dave.
Today is the traditional Thirsty Thursday, but methinx some time in bed would be best..
~No more beatin' my brains, with ah-liquor and drugs~
However, before the evening started, I applied and was accepted for my very first Visa! Since it's thru my bank, I can charge stuff on the card and then simply transfer funds from my savings account to the card to pay for it! $500 limit, and only 12% interest! Finally... finally... I can purchase goods and services off the internet!
Today is the traditional Thirsty Thursday, but methinx some time in bed would be best..
~No more beatin' my brains, with ah-liquor and drugs~
However, before the evening started, I applied and was accepted for my very first Visa! Since it's thru my bank, I can charge stuff on the card and then simply transfer funds from my savings account to the card to pay for it! $500 limit, and only 12% interest! Finally... finally... I can purchase goods and services off the internet!
Tuesday
Brandon, Brandon, Brandon.... we love you, but we don't know what to do with you.
This picture is the result (Cause?) of Brandon's longstanding celibacy.... celibacy that was in no way intentional... celibacy that's not even close to intentional. I haven't really done the math, but I don't think Brandon was of legal drinking age the last time he actually inserted "Tab A" into "Slot B". We've been visiting various websites tonite trying to find a nice alternative grrl for Brandon. His problem? He doesn't feel very comfortable emailing women he doesn't know. Instead... well, I have this horrible notion that he places personals... and uses somewhat unflattering depictions of himself (See photo above)... and waits for a girl to contact him... to use a play on a band name, "Godspeed you white leper!"
In other news: I was gifted a car. I feel it may explode at any minute... At least if the cops try to pull me over for driving too slowly, I can hide within the cloaking shroud of the ever present smoke screen it produces.
Richard Cheese was absolutely amazing. The man has as much presence as a fart in an elevator (But in a really good way). Simply astounding vocal talents that honestly made me a little choked up during his rendition of Rape Me by Nirvana. Dante's was filled to the gills, and their only form of notable circulation was the front door. I felt a bit like a hamster in a microwave. Despite the daunting heat, burning lights and full tuxedo, Dick sung like a champ and left everyone howling after each song. It was magic...
And then... there was Dustin...
Honestly, if he had simply walked on stage, said, "Hi, you might recognize me as Screech from the international hit Saved By the Bell", performed some sort've strange feat of physical impossiblity and left, the crowd would've simultaniously shat themselves nanoseconds before dying of exposure... exposure to the kewlest evening ever. Instead, Screech started off way too slow with his routine and everyone was impatient due to the hellish temperature (No pun intended) of Dante's. This caused several drunks to start heckling very early on, causing mass uncomfortability thru the crowd and little to no laughter. Dustin's main retort to any particular heckle was one of two things, "Hey! I played Screech for 10 years, I have no fear!" or, "I have 500 dollars in my pocket right now for anyone to beat the crap outta that guy". Needless to say, since he was shot down so quickly out've the gate, the audience was lost pretty fast. He had some pretty good material if he was left alone for 5 minutes without having to defend himself, but I started to lose my interest when the John Wayne Bobbitt jokes started coming out. Seriously people... this is an event that happened June 23, 1993. That shit stopped being funny eight years ago.
Thursday
Celebrity Boxing II. Dustin Diamond made Horshack cry. Maybe he finally realized just how futile his bobbly headed life is. No John Travolta to tag you out on this one, buddy.
Rebecca, a bartender for the Jolly Inn, came up with what I think may ultimately be the best idea ever that will never be applied: A drinking permit. In short, hand out drinking permits, if you get in trouble for drinking and driving you don't suspend the drivers license (Which does nothing if you're really wanting to drink and you still need to drive home.. it'd be great if a suspended license meant your car wouldn't start.) you suspend their drinking permit, thereby cutting off the problem at it's source. Conceivably you could lower the drinking age as well. Which I think makes sense under any condition. When yer under 21 you don't swipe a beer just so you can have something to complement your meal, you do it to add to the pile of cans you're planning to shotgun with your buddy Steve while watching porn on the Spice channel while his parents are gone. The temptation of forbidden fruit plus uneducated drinkers new to the field equals unhealthy drinking habits. Lower the age limit! Another thought Rebecca had was to offer drinking training (Which I kinda think should be two part, one part held in a classroom and one part held in a bar). You could teach newbies how to drink responsibly and maybe teach 'em about bar manners or taste test various different kinds of drinks so they don't have to guess their way thru ordering.
"I'd like a cocktail"
"....so... what do you want?"
"I'd like a cocktail"
"Ummm...... what kind of mixed drink?"
"I want a cocktail!"
*sigh...*
Rebecca, a bartender for the Jolly Inn, came up with what I think may ultimately be the best idea ever that will never be applied: A drinking permit. In short, hand out drinking permits, if you get in trouble for drinking and driving you don't suspend the drivers license (Which does nothing if you're really wanting to drink and you still need to drive home.. it'd be great if a suspended license meant your car wouldn't start.) you suspend their drinking permit, thereby cutting off the problem at it's source. Conceivably you could lower the drinking age as well. Which I think makes sense under any condition. When yer under 21 you don't swipe a beer just so you can have something to complement your meal, you do it to add to the pile of cans you're planning to shotgun with your buddy Steve while watching porn on the Spice channel while his parents are gone. The temptation of forbidden fruit plus uneducated drinkers new to the field equals unhealthy drinking habits. Lower the age limit! Another thought Rebecca had was to offer drinking training (Which I kinda think should be two part, one part held in a classroom and one part held in a bar). You could teach newbies how to drink responsibly and maybe teach 'em about bar manners or taste test various different kinds of drinks so they don't have to guess their way thru ordering.
"I'd like a cocktail"
"....so... what do you want?"
"I'd like a cocktail"
"Ummm...... what kind of mixed drink?"
"I want a cocktail!"
*sigh...*
Tuesday
A Haiku:
Excitement abounds.
Screech and Richard Cheese unite.
Sunday. At Dante's.
How freaking kewl is that? Seriously? The one and only Samuel "Screech" Powers and Richard Cheese together for what could possibly be deemed the "Better than Sex" tour. Actually, speculation is still open as to what the hell Screech will be doing. Consensus leans towards a standup routine. I think he's been travelling with the Jim Rose Circus for the past six years and wants to try and take a shot on his own. I hear he can chew bubble gum and blow the bubble out his ass.
"Stay away from my Juicy Fruit you juicy fruit!"
Excitement abounds.
Screech and Richard Cheese unite.
Sunday. At Dante's.
How freaking kewl is that? Seriously? The one and only Samuel "Screech" Powers and Richard Cheese together for what could possibly be deemed the "Better than Sex" tour. Actually, speculation is still open as to what the hell Screech will be doing. Consensus leans towards a standup routine. I think he's been travelling with the Jim Rose Circus for the past six years and wants to try and take a shot on his own. I hear he can chew bubble gum and blow the bubble out his ass.
"Stay away from my Juicy Fruit you juicy fruit!"
Ah... sweet Jesus... finally.. normality. I feel a great weight has been lifted from my back. This whole thing with the image hosting has been totally gay... and I don't mean gay in the normal San Francisco way or the "Singing in the Rain" kind of gay but the "Welcome to cellblock D, you're my new bitch" kind of gay.... but, to make myself happier, I shall just gaze intently upon the tarsier. My wonderful html equivalent to a canary in a mine shaft. I love you tarsier. I love you because you signify that everything is going to be all right... and I can keep on blogging with the aid of visual stimuli.
*sniff*
Sorry.. I need a minute to get a hold on myself... I'll be back with more later.
Sunday
Barbequed ribs today made me think of my uncle Jack.
How do you become the black sheep of the family? Does it happen all at once, or does your integrity slowly flake away like old paint... leaving only black wool behind. Random thoughts…
Today was the 2nd annual Pug Crawl in sunny Portland Oregon. I did not attend.
I think I like small breeds of dog best mainly because they can’t reach your crotch or your ass to sniff it.
How do you become the black sheep of the family? Does it happen all at once, or does your integrity slowly flake away like old paint... leaving only black wool behind. Random thoughts…
Today was the 2nd annual Pug Crawl in sunny Portland Oregon. I did not attend.
I think I like small breeds of dog best mainly because they can’t reach your crotch or your ass to sniff it.
Saturday
Today was good. The day started off with a little Noho's w/Alicia (Neverbefore mentioned, but my fiancee) and Wade (Friend from my days as a QA bitch for CyberRep.com). I got to pop their proverbial cherry with some hot 'n' spicy pan fried chicken an' ginger garlic chicken. Mmmm... now, so far my favourite part of the day happened whilst Alicia was in the bathroom and my mind was wandering from shiny object to shiny object. I happened to glance down to the wrapper that held her chopsticks and this is what I found printed in the corner (With punctuation and sentence structure kept in tact as found):
Welcome to Chinese Restaurant. please try your Nice Chinese Food With Chopsticks the traditional and typical of Chinese glorious history. and cultural
Simply breathtaking. Along those lines, this link will whisk you away to a fantabulous Japanese sex catalogue from the 1930's.
Spent some quality bonding time with Victoria. Got high on white chocolate mochas and about two dozen pixie stix then went to play in the mall. Our righteous cause was to find Spiderman wrist-webby-shooty-outy attatchments and fight crime, but the Toys R Us was closed (Along with most of the North half of the first floor) due to some funk whacky power outage (Which may have been prevented had we Spiderman wrist-webby-shooty-outy attatchments). So, alas we spent some time in the Christian Supply parusing the various Bibleman action figures and the Mr. T blockbuster Judgement.
Did you know that the mall, when under the influence of legalized drugs like sugar and caffeine, can make you loud and obnoxious? Now I finally know why I hate 96.3% of all mall patrons... Please, for the sake of others, get the decaf frappucino and something with nutrasweet.
Welcome to Chinese Restaurant. please try your Nice Chinese Food With Chopsticks the traditional and typical of Chinese glorious history. and cultural
Simply breathtaking. Along those lines, this link will whisk you away to a fantabulous Japanese sex catalogue from the 1930's.
Spent some quality bonding time with Victoria. Got high on white chocolate mochas and about two dozen pixie stix then went to play in the mall. Our righteous cause was to find Spiderman wrist-webby-shooty-outy attatchments and fight crime, but the Toys R Us was closed (Along with most of the North half of the first floor) due to some funk whacky power outage (Which may have been prevented had we Spiderman wrist-webby-shooty-outy attatchments). So, alas we spent some time in the Christian Supply parusing the various Bibleman action figures and the Mr. T blockbuster Judgement.
Did you know that the mall, when under the influence of legalized drugs like sugar and caffeine, can make you loud and obnoxious? Now I finally know why I hate 96.3% of all mall patrons... Please, for the sake of others, get the decaf frappucino and something with nutrasweet.
Friday
Christ on a crutch! It's already been three days since I last posted? Ye gods! That's madness! MADNESS! So what's new... well, for one thing, I went to go see Star Wars before YOU. Hahahahaha. Whilst you were slaving away at 10:00 at your underpaid job, toiling under the glare of your supervisory figure, I was watching people trying to act. I mean, they were really really trying to act. In one scene, you can see Anakin actually break into a sweat before he can push a tear out over the death of his mother. But still, I must say, way better than the first one. I wasn't keeping track, but I was told the minute count for Jar Jar is only about 10-11 full minutes of onscreen presence.... I think maybe George Lucas finally took notice of the rivers of blood pooling down the isles of America's theaters from the limbs gnawed off by it's patrons in an attempt to more quickly escape another "mee-sa".
Rant Rant Rant.
I lost a pool bet last nite and I feel really badly about it and I can't figure out why... we were betting on pool, and I blew the hell out've my shot. That's a bit expected because I was completely wasted... but my friend Jaime was sure I could make it and put five bones down. I think that's what made it stick in my mind. The fact that I lost Jaime's money and not my own. Man, and with such a drunken style and grace.. completely missed my shot and sunk one of my opponents balls.
I'll just have to take him out to Noho's
I guess my final thought for the moment is of a man I rode the bus with the other day. He was completely obsessed with McDonalds and McDonalds related trivia. Such as:
I feel badly for these people, and a little bit sad.... you know who they are. They're brothers.. sisters. They're Aunts and Uncles. They're delivering your newspaper. If you know one of these people, please... just give them a hug. In the middle of one of their precision tuned stories you've heard five million times since you accidently first made eye contact with them.. simply hug them. I just know they'll cry. They'll cry like big relieved bobbly headed babies. And if they do? Punch them right in the eye.
Rant Rant Rant.
I lost a pool bet last nite and I feel really badly about it and I can't figure out why... we were betting on pool, and I blew the hell out've my shot. That's a bit expected because I was completely wasted... but my friend Jaime was sure I could make it and put five bones down. I think that's what made it stick in my mind. The fact that I lost Jaime's money and not my own. Man, and with such a drunken style and grace.. completely missed my shot and sunk one of my opponents balls.
I'll just have to take him out to Noho's
I guess my final thought for the moment is of a man I rode the bus with the other day. He was completely obsessed with McDonalds and McDonalds related trivia. Such as:
Glassy Eyed Passenger: What was that?
McDonalds Stalker: I said, do you know where the biggest McDonalds in
the world is?
Glassy Eyed Passenger: (Makes every attempt to look thoughtful and
only manages to look more bored) No.
McDonalds Stalker: (Trembles slightly as he can feel the word about to
ejaculate from his tongue) Moscow! Can you believe it? Now why do you think
they'd put the biggest McDonalds in the world in Moscow? It takes up 2 city
blocks and has 48 cash registers! I counted them! Y'know, I waited in line for
over an hour and a half just to get a Big Mac. (Laughs inanely to the
tune of a nasal hemorrhage)
Businessman: Well, that's why.
McDonalds Stalker: (Brought quickly back to earth from his dream world
of quarter pounder pillows and french fry slippers) What? What's why?
Businessman: You just answered your own question. They built such a
large McDonalds to satiate the demand. Imagine how long the line would've been
had it only been as big as a normal American McDonalds.
McDonalds Stalker: Heh, yeah... (Obviously ready to either scurry away
abashed like a startled spider, or kill this bobbly headed fool who dares to
question the only conversation he has to offer to anyone anywhere at any time.)
I feel badly for these people, and a little bit sad.... you know who they are. They're brothers.. sisters. They're Aunts and Uncles. They're delivering your newspaper. If you know one of these people, please... just give them a hug. In the middle of one of their precision tuned stories you've heard five million times since you accidently first made eye contact with them.. simply hug them. I just know they'll cry. They'll cry like big relieved bobbly headed babies. And if they do? Punch them right in the eye.
Tuesday
Not much time to blog before going to work, but I would like to voice my undying love for Noho's. I don't know how they do what they do to their chicken... but I'm so glad they do it.
*brrrp*
*brrrp*
Sunday
Jason X.... Where does one begin?
It's been awhile since I've felt that the booze I snuck into a movie theater was needed more to take the edge off than to simply have a drunken good time. In Jason X, the movie begins with Jason held as a prisoner of the government, to await the outcome for one of two decisions. A.) find out how an unkillable man ticks and make super-soldiers for the Gub'ment's delight and fancy (Soldiers, one could speculate, used mainly to focus on the mindless killing of horny co-eds in warring nations... or a really, really buff olympic hockey team. Bet those kanucks wouldn't see that comin'!), or B.) freeze his monkey ass like a Hungry-Man dinner until they figure out a way to kill 'im for good. Naturally, we are rooting for option B because it's backed by a hot chick... err... scientist. Push comes to shove, hack comes to slash and Jason, like a machete wielding Houdini breaks out've his chains and kills every scientist on site except for previously mentioned hot chi- I mean scientist. Well, she manages to lure him into a freeze tank with the ol', "Hey! I'm helpless an' me boob iz 'bout to fall out!" before givin' him a taste of lead salad. Wham, bam, he's flash frozen and goes completely forgotten for four hundred and fifty five years. Anyhow... that's how things start off. The bulk of the movie is a cross between an episode of Star Trek written by Larry Flint and a three legged dog trying to pee on a fire hydrant.
Drinking Rules:
Drink every time there's foreshadowing.
Drink once for every pun.
Drink twice for each gratuitous boob shot.
Before the end of the film you too will have had a half a 5th of Jack Daniels and the accusing stares of your fellow movie goers.
It's been awhile since I've felt that the booze I snuck into a movie theater was needed more to take the edge off than to simply have a drunken good time. In Jason X, the movie begins with Jason held as a prisoner of the government, to await the outcome for one of two decisions. A.) find out how an unkillable man ticks and make super-soldiers for the Gub'ment's delight and fancy (Soldiers, one could speculate, used mainly to focus on the mindless killing of horny co-eds in warring nations... or a really, really buff olympic hockey team. Bet those kanucks wouldn't see that comin'!), or B.) freeze his monkey ass like a Hungry-Man dinner until they figure out a way to kill 'im for good. Naturally, we are rooting for option B because it's backed by a hot chick... err... scientist. Push comes to shove, hack comes to slash and Jason, like a machete wielding Houdini breaks out've his chains and kills every scientist on site except for previously mentioned hot chi- I mean scientist. Well, she manages to lure him into a freeze tank with the ol', "Hey! I'm helpless an' me boob iz 'bout to fall out!" before givin' him a taste of lead salad. Wham, bam, he's flash frozen and goes completely forgotten for four hundred and fifty five years. Anyhow... that's how things start off. The bulk of the movie is a cross between an episode of Star Trek written by Larry Flint and a three legged dog trying to pee on a fire hydrant.
Drinking Rules:
Drink every time there's foreshadowing.
Drink once for every pun.
Drink twice for each gratuitous boob shot.
Before the end of the film you too will have had a half a 5th of Jack Daniels and the accusing stares of your fellow movie goers.
Friday
Today my hangover decided to wake me up early as opposed to sleeping in. Actually, it wasn't the hangover that woke me up so much as the stench of my own beer farts. Sadly tho, this is not an uncommon occurance.
**Sigh**
I honestly should curb my drinking. Some days I cut thru life like the proverbial knife thru butter... other days I sort've.... wade. Is it possible to drink yourself retarded? Can I get a grant to find out? For science, of course.... hey... is science spelled right? Isn't it supposed to be I before E except after C? Unless, of course, it sounds like A... as in this rhyme is gay..
But back to my drinking habits..
Thursday, or more commonly termed "Thirsty Thursday" around my neck of the woods, always ushers in an enjoyable evening of cocktails and good hearted camaraderie. Last nite was spiced up by a little karaoke (Pronounced "Carry Yolky" like a swear word from a rather sleepy sumo wrestler who stubbed his toe.. and perhaps smoked a bit much in his life. In order to give the proper emphasis on the word by means of text it will hereby be highlighted in bold) at the Galaxy. Last nite was not my best performance.. I had a hard time getting into it and was singing pretty flat. As I am still pretty new to this whole karaoke experience every song I try is new and, I'm beginning to realize, completely hit or miss. So far I know I can sing two karaoke songs with some bravado from the crowd. "Hell" by the Squirrel Nut Zippers and "Add it up" by the Violent Femmes. My friends support me, but secretly behind their eyes I know if I sing either one of those songs "just one more time"... I may find the karaoke mic inserted into uncomfortable regions of my body..
**Sigh**
I honestly should curb my drinking. Some days I cut thru life like the proverbial knife thru butter... other days I sort've.... wade. Is it possible to drink yourself retarded? Can I get a grant to find out? For science, of course.... hey... is science spelled right? Isn't it supposed to be I before E except after C? Unless, of course, it sounds like A... as in this rhyme is gay..
But back to my drinking habits..
Thursday, or more commonly termed "Thirsty Thursday" around my neck of the woods, always ushers in an enjoyable evening of cocktails and good hearted camaraderie. Last nite was spiced up by a little karaoke (Pronounced "Carry Yolky" like a swear word from a rather sleepy sumo wrestler who stubbed his toe.. and perhaps smoked a bit much in his life. In order to give the proper emphasis on the word by means of text it will hereby be highlighted in bold) at the Galaxy. Last nite was not my best performance.. I had a hard time getting into it and was singing pretty flat. As I am still pretty new to this whole karaoke experience every song I try is new and, I'm beginning to realize, completely hit or miss. So far I know I can sing two karaoke songs with some bravado from the crowd. "Hell" by the Squirrel Nut Zippers and "Add it up" by the Violent Femmes. My friends support me, but secretly behind their eyes I know if I sing either one of those songs "just one more time"... I may find the karaoke mic inserted into uncomfortable regions of my body..
Thursday
The blog is not yet perfect, but it'll have to do. My "friend" Victoria sent me this link earlier in the evening. I put the word friend in quotation marks simply because I'm not sure if this website has entertained me... or made me slightly more mentally unhinged. I have watched it 3 times. I am still as unsure of the outcome now as when I first watched it. You may judge for yourself.
Along with the link, she extended to me a gracious offer to a very auspicious event. I will attend a private screening (Thanks be to Spiderman) with three of my friends (Victoria, her boyfriend Jason, and my boyfriend Jack Daniels) to the new smash hit "Jason X"
Expect full reviews and details this weekend.
Along with the link, she extended to me a gracious offer to a very auspicious event. I will attend a private screening (Thanks be to Spiderman) with three of my friends (Victoria, her boyfriend Jason, and my boyfriend Jack Daniels) to the new smash hit "Jason X"
Expect full reviews and details this weekend.
Wednesday
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