Oooh, a new month is upon us. Innocent eyed and gleaming with the hopes of new possibilities.

Some people might say that this month is so new... it's "fresh."

A fresh month.

Yes, some people might say that. And both of them are outsourced as the WB's advertising executives. If I have to hear about one more "fresh" episode of Smallville during King of the Hill reruns, I swear to christ I'm going to get off my couch, go out on my back porch... and... smoke a cigarette. But I'll smoke it really mean.

Scare the squirrels right out of the yard.

Television is an enigma. I hate it so much sometimes, yet I've probably spent more time in front of the tube than your average American. Suckling the teat of corporate media in the hopes that unfettered entertainment might come my way.

This is why I love cable access.

I love it so fucking much I wish I had TiVo. I love it so fucking much I may buy TiVo. Or a VCR. What ever happened to VCRs, man? Who actually owns one anymore? Everyone's knocking back high fidelity components like shots of Jager, scrambling for Sony's flotsam.

There are simple principles in life. You will never be able to recreate the setting of a movie theater. You won't. Take that $2,300.00 plasma screen T.V. and shove it up your ass. My $8.00 movie ticket blows the hell out of your THX certified stereo components.

Sure, sure. Some may argue that with movie going comes a stadium full of careless strangers that interrupt your movie. Well how many times have you sat through a movie at home and not pressed pause due to some kind of distraction? To answer the phone, let the dog outside, bury another one of Stephen Baldwin's dead hookers.

God, who let him in here anyway? I thought we changed the locks?