Want to hold up a bank in Latin?
"Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam."
(I have a catapult. Give me all the money, or I will fling an enormous rock at your head.)
Friday
NW Natural Gas is employed by geniuses..
GENIUSES!
Super geniuses who are grown in modern laboratories, and birthed from the age of science and reason. Carefully cultivated from the NW Natural bunker located in Sioux City Iowa, they are subconsciously force fed all the information they need to learn a la A Clockwork Orange. Once weaned from their habitat, and properly nourished on foods enriched with vitamins and minerals, they are armed with the the most up to date technology. No amount of money is spared for their streamlined instruments of customer service wonder. Here now is a transcript documented at precisely 2:12 post meridian, September twenty seventh. Ironclad proof that only the elite of the elite are hand picked, and rigorously prepared for their task at hand. Let's listen in.
Rep: Thank you for calling NW Natural, my name is Debbie, how may I help you?
Me: Hi Debbie, this is Dave.. I, uhh, well. I'm not too sure what's the matter, but my only piece of gas equipment is my water heater, and my water isn't heating...
Rep: Huh...
Me: Yeah, I went downstairs and tried to light the pilot light, but it wouldn't catch. So, I was just checking to see if everything's okay with my account?
Rep: Okay! Can I have your home address?
Me: Sure, it's **** SE **th Avenue.
Rep: Okay... this'll be just a minute.. my systems running slow.
Me: Sure, take your time.
....
....
....
Me: *cough*
....
....
....
Rep: Okay... well.. looks like we had a request to turn off service today by... a David? Was that you?
Me: Me? Ummm..... nooooooo....
Rep: Well, it says here that David called in last week to cancel service... and that you're moving to 16th Avenue?
Me: ...umm.... no.
Rep: Huh...
Me: Huh...
Rep: So, you're not moving to 16th avenue?
Me: Not unless you know something I don't.
Rep: *Laughs uncomfortably* well... then I'll just get someone to turn your service back on.
Me: That'd be awesome, thanks!
Rep: *Type type type* This will be just one minute *type type type*
Me: Uh huh...
Rep: *Type type type*
Me: ....
Rep: *Type type type* (pause) *type type type*
Me: *quietly scratching nuts*
Rep: So... umm... do you know any David?
Me: Excuse me? You mean besides myself?
Rep: Yeah, like a neighbor...
Me: Ummmm... maybe my next door neighbor.
Rep: *Suspicious intonation* Hmmm... this is all very strange.. and what would their address be?
Me: Are you asking me to look?
Rep: No, I just thought since they're your neighbor you would know.
Me: My girlfriend might know, but I couldn't tell you.
Rep: Hmmm... and you do live at **** SE **th Avenue, correct?
Me: Right.
Rep: Okay, well, you should be all set. The guy will be there in the next few hours.
Me: "The guy"? Okay.. will he be here before seven?
Rep: Shouldn't be a problem. I'm not sure how many gas leaks he has, but it shouldn't be a problem.
Me: Well, okay.. I guess that'll do it.
Rep: Well, I really appreciate your patience Mr. Couseu. I'm not sure how this happened, but I'll tell you it doesn't very often.
Me: Excuse me?
Rep: What's that?
Me: Umm... I'm David Biastock....
Rep: Oh! Hah! Hahahahah! Looks like I found who was supposed to have their gas turned off!
Me: ....that's.... good..?
Rep: Yeah, you're fine Mr. Biastock. Just hang tight and the guy will be there in... well, in the next few hours to turn your gas back on.
Me: Okay... well... thanks for all your help....
So, just to clarify in case my point was lost somewhere, these are the people that are in control of highly explosive materials. Highly explosive materials that are coursing through your house right now. These are the monkies clambering underneath your floorboards with a flashlight and a lit cigarette trying to find your gas leak. And here I sit... waiting for someone to visit someone elses house to turn on gas that's already on...
GENIUSES!
Super geniuses who are grown in modern laboratories, and birthed from the age of science and reason. Carefully cultivated from the NW Natural bunker located in Sioux City Iowa, they are subconsciously force fed all the information they need to learn a la A Clockwork Orange. Once weaned from their habitat, and properly nourished on foods enriched with vitamins and minerals, they are armed with the the most up to date technology. No amount of money is spared for their streamlined instruments of customer service wonder. Here now is a transcript documented at precisely 2:12 post meridian, September twenty seventh. Ironclad proof that only the elite of the elite are hand picked, and rigorously prepared for their task at hand. Let's listen in.
Rep: Thank you for calling NW Natural, my name is Debbie, how may I help you?
Me: Hi Debbie, this is Dave.. I, uhh, well. I'm not too sure what's the matter, but my only piece of gas equipment is my water heater, and my water isn't heating...
Rep: Huh...
Me: Yeah, I went downstairs and tried to light the pilot light, but it wouldn't catch. So, I was just checking to see if everything's okay with my account?
Rep: Okay! Can I have your home address?
Me: Sure, it's **** SE **th Avenue.
Rep: Okay... this'll be just a minute.. my systems running slow.
Me: Sure, take your time.
....
....
....
Me: *cough*
....
....
....
Rep: Okay... well.. looks like we had a request to turn off service today by... a David? Was that you?
Me: Me? Ummm..... nooooooo....
Rep: Well, it says here that David called in last week to cancel service... and that you're moving to 16th Avenue?
Me: ...umm.... no.
Rep: Huh...
Me: Huh...
Rep: So, you're not moving to 16th avenue?
Me: Not unless you know something I don't.
Rep: *Laughs uncomfortably* well... then I'll just get someone to turn your service back on.
Me: That'd be awesome, thanks!
Rep: *Type type type* This will be just one minute *type type type*
Me: Uh huh...
Rep: *Type type type*
Me: ....
Rep: *Type type type* (pause) *type type type*
Me: *quietly scratching nuts*
Rep: So... umm... do you know any David?
Me: Excuse me? You mean besides myself?
Rep: Yeah, like a neighbor...
Me: Ummmm... maybe my next door neighbor.
Rep: *Suspicious intonation* Hmmm... this is all very strange.. and what would their address be?
Me: Are you asking me to look?
Rep: No, I just thought since they're your neighbor you would know.
Me: My girlfriend might know, but I couldn't tell you.
Rep: Hmmm... and you do live at **** SE **th Avenue, correct?
Me: Right.
Rep: Okay, well, you should be all set. The guy will be there in the next few hours.
Me: "The guy"? Okay.. will he be here before seven?
Rep: Shouldn't be a problem. I'm not sure how many gas leaks he has, but it shouldn't be a problem.
Me: Well, okay.. I guess that'll do it.
Rep: Well, I really appreciate your patience Mr. Couseu. I'm not sure how this happened, but I'll tell you it doesn't very often.
Me: Excuse me?
Rep: What's that?
Me: Umm... I'm David Biastock....
Rep: Oh! Hah! Hahahahah! Looks like I found who was supposed to have their gas turned off!
Me: ....that's.... good..?
Rep: Yeah, you're fine Mr. Biastock. Just hang tight and the guy will be there in... well, in the next few hours to turn your gas back on.
Me: Okay... well... thanks for all your help....
So, just to clarify in case my point was lost somewhere, these are the people that are in control of highly explosive materials. Highly explosive materials that are coursing through your house right now. These are the monkies clambering underneath your floorboards with a flashlight and a lit cigarette trying to find your gas leak. And here I sit... waiting for someone to visit someone elses house to turn on gas that's already on...
Thursday
Well shite...
I had written this huge apologetic post, and then accidently closed my browser. In a nutshell, here's what you missed:
Dirty Line Dancin'
My submersion into geeky hobbies.
How Animal Crossing has stolen away what little social life I ever had to begin with.
My observations on intellectuals who have entertained a half a semester of philosophy and think they know everything.
Blatant obsession with Adult Swim.
And lastly, artistic acts of vandalism.
Unfortunately, I don't have time to expound on any of this at the moment, but stay tuned! There's more to come after these messages from our sponsor.
I had written this huge apologetic post, and then accidently closed my browser. In a nutshell, here's what you missed:
Dirty Line Dancin'
My submersion into geeky hobbies.
How Animal Crossing has stolen away what little social life I ever had to begin with.
My observations on intellectuals who have entertained a half a semester of philosophy and think they know everything.
Blatant obsession with Adult Swim.
And lastly, artistic acts of vandalism.
Unfortunately, I don't have time to expound on any of this at the moment, but stay tuned! There's more to come after these messages from our sponsor.
Sunday
Ooookaaay... so 'bout that caption contest... (Heh... heheheh...) Well, looks like I'm smokin' that cigarette. In all honesty, I've given it a week and I no longer have any hope that netcomments has gone anywhere but tits up. I'll still keep checking back with them, and if I can salvage the comments I will.
As a peace offering, I give you a picture of Charleton Heston making out with a monkey.
As a peace offering, I give you a picture of Charleton Heston making out with a monkey.
So, yesterday I was talking to Brandon on the phone, and he made a passing comment that reminded me about a previous post he had made. In short, his property management had kindly asked him to stop going to and from the mail room in his robe and boxers. Now, I've played resident in many a shared living habitat, and this sort of behaviour was a fairly normal occurance so I decided to probe a little deeper. As it turns out, the robe that Brandon owns is the same piece of history that he's had since he was eight years old. Further investigation led me to find that the majority of his underwear consists of boxers without the handy button fly. Now, for those of you who are having difficulties painting your own mental image of a twenty three year old man in an eight year old's robe.... I have saved you the time, and produced my own depiction...
I call it... flapping in the breeze
I call it... flapping in the breeze
Saturday
Nostalgia is running thick this Saturday morning. I was randomly doing searches on Google for things related to my past. Previous AOL or Yahoo! screen names from eight years ago, friends, etc; here's what I dug up.
A Badtz Maru skin for Yahoo! Messenger when I used to go under NyteKroe.
Found out that Dr. Gamewiz, father of my first online crush and founder of one of the first video game message boards for AOL, died of cancer.
Kuru
Lord BBH
Random pictures of my first girlfriend (Yuffie).
Amy! Oh Amy... wow... she's married.. and pregnant.. and owns her own home...
Can't find Klazies, found dWoh (Even remembered his last name), can't find NOATravis.
Wow.. this is kinda depressing.. it makes me wonder... who am I now? I was:
The Qwert, CopperCrow, NyteKroe, AquaKroe, BlindRook, Sandman, RocketBoy... so many faces.. and those are only the ones I can remember...
A Badtz Maru skin for Yahoo! Messenger when I used to go under NyteKroe.
Found out that Dr. Gamewiz, father of my first online crush and founder of one of the first video game message boards for AOL, died of cancer.
Kuru
Lord BBH
Random pictures of my first girlfriend (Yuffie).
Amy! Oh Amy... wow... she's married.. and pregnant.. and owns her own home...
Can't find Klazies, found dWoh (Even remembered his last name), can't find NOATravis.
Wow.. this is kinda depressing.. it makes me wonder... who am I now? I was:
The Qwert, CopperCrow, NyteKroe, AquaKroe, BlindRook, Sandman, RocketBoy... so many faces.. and those are only the ones I can remember...
Thursday
Hulk MAD!
wELL THIS.. oops... caps lock.. okay, strike that, rewind.
*Ahem*
Well this is lame! For one reason or another, Yahoo! has decided to take me off their search engine! Mostly, I'm kinda peev'd cuz by nature I'm a lazy, lazy fellow and instead of writing down my blog site or reciting the address only to be forgotten, I tell everyone to just do a search for my name on the 'net. This is great for at least two things.
A.) Curious people whom I haven't heard from in ages can easily find me by simply searching my name.
2.) I never carry a pen.
/\-------You sunk my Battleship!
Crap. Anyways, I guess I'll have to resubmit my page... maybe this time I'll spam every search engine with my good name. On the flip side, I found out I was linked by a complete stranger! That just made my day. Somehow, someway, someone stumbled on my POS and thought it was kewl enough to link from their site.
*Sniff*
wELL THIS.. oops... caps lock.. okay, strike that, rewind.
*Ahem*
Well this is lame! For one reason or another, Yahoo! has decided to take me off their search engine! Mostly, I'm kinda peev'd cuz by nature I'm a lazy, lazy fellow and instead of writing down my blog site or reciting the address only to be forgotten, I tell everyone to just do a search for my name on the 'net. This is great for at least two things.
A.) Curious people whom I haven't heard from in ages can easily find me by simply searching my name.
2.) I never carry a pen.
/\-------You sunk my Battleship!
Crap. Anyways, I guess I'll have to resubmit my page... maybe this time I'll spam every search engine with my good name. On the flip side, I found out I was linked by a complete stranger! That just made my day. Somehow, someway, someone stumbled on my POS and thought it was kewl enough to link from their site.
*Sniff*
Tuesday
Well isn't this a fine how-do-you-do. How the !@#$ am I supposed to decide upon a caption contest winner if my freakin' comment server is down? Looks like the deadline has been extended indefinately folks, so if you were drunk when the deadline hit like I was, looks like you've still got some time to enter for that free cigarette.
Today I will be fullfilling my destiny and stopping by Electronic Boutique for Super Mario Sunshine. OH HEY! I was playing Resident Evil last nite, and Jason, if you're reading this: BURN THE ZOMBIES. Torch those mutha efferz whenever possible. The rotting bags of feces come back like a heart attack and start leapin' around to chomp on yer face. It's really annoying. If you're already well aware of the mental anguish they induce after they turn into red headed... meat.... headed... bitey things, lemme know if they still come back after you kill 'em with a handgun, or if that's their last hurrah.
Today I will be fullfilling my destiny and stopping by Electronic Boutique for Super Mario Sunshine. OH HEY! I was playing Resident Evil last nite, and Jason, if you're reading this: BURN THE ZOMBIES. Torch those mutha efferz whenever possible. The rotting bags of feces come back like a heart attack and start leapin' around to chomp on yer face. It's really annoying. If you're already well aware of the mental anguish they induce after they turn into red headed... meat.... headed... bitey things, lemme know if they still come back after you kill 'em with a handgun, or if that's their last hurrah.
Thursday
A Haiku!
Super Mario!
Pint sized Italian plumber,
can't get no action.
So, the new installment of the Mario dynasty will be hitting stores in less than a week. I, being the sick addict I am, plan to visit my local Electronics Boutique the day of launch. I imagine I'll have to wade thru a fair share of twelve year olds and pasty geeks such as myself to pick it up, but it'll be well worth being punched in the nuts by a screaming Japanese kid just because I took a Chinese cut in line. Prudence dictates I should wait until I've at least finished Resident Evil before spending more money on new video games, but I'm gonna have to go with my heart on this one. And my heart sayz, "Charge it."
In other news, I spent Tuesday evening drinking heavily with my friend Matt. We started out at Jimmy Lee's, completely unaware that Tuesdays are Marconi's nite to drop in and overtake the bar with himself and his followers. I have absolutely nothing against the guy, honestly he seems fairly nice and he touched my ass that night, so I can't hold too much against him... but we were just trying to have a few quiet drinks and his sauced cronies were getting on my nerves. Plus Anna Nichole Smith's TeeVee show was on... I've woken up a city block with my night terrors induced by the retinal burn caused by the flapping fatty tissue of her ham-like arms.
Uh oh... clam chowders ready. To make a long story short, we got drunk at my house and played Super Monkey Ball. The end.
Super Mario!
Pint sized Italian plumber,
can't get no action.
So, the new installment of the Mario dynasty will be hitting stores in less than a week. I, being the sick addict I am, plan to visit my local Electronics Boutique the day of launch. I imagine I'll have to wade thru a fair share of twelve year olds and pasty geeks such as myself to pick it up, but it'll be well worth being punched in the nuts by a screaming Japanese kid just because I took a Chinese cut in line. Prudence dictates I should wait until I've at least finished Resident Evil before spending more money on new video games, but I'm gonna have to go with my heart on this one. And my heart sayz, "Charge it."
In other news, I spent Tuesday evening drinking heavily with my friend Matt. We started out at Jimmy Lee's, completely unaware that Tuesdays are Marconi's nite to drop in and overtake the bar with himself and his followers. I have absolutely nothing against the guy, honestly he seems fairly nice and he touched my ass that night, so I can't hold too much against him... but we were just trying to have a few quiet drinks and his sauced cronies were getting on my nerves. Plus Anna Nichole Smith's TeeVee show was on... I've woken up a city block with my night terrors induced by the retinal burn caused by the flapping fatty tissue of her ham-like arms.
Uh oh... clam chowders ready. To make a long story short, we got drunk at my house and played Super Monkey Ball. The end.
Tuesday
I'm just a little disturbed about the, "I'm sure a lot of men will be looking at Sooty with envy" part... is there a great deal of beastiality involving Guinea Pigs in South Wales?
I'm almost this happy. Rumor has it that I will no longer be doing outbound collections as soon as Sept. 11th.
Please God, please God please God.
Please God, please God please God.
Monday
Okay, so yesterday I received a few more pictures from my birthday party a few weeks back, and I would like to throw out a "Caption Contest" of sorts. If you live in the Portland Metro area I will offer you one free cigarette, or the fourty five cent equivilant to those non smokers who would like to enter. The above picture needs to be captioned, and you can submit your entries via the "Comments" field located directly beneath. The winner will receive one cigarette and the hearty appreciation of those small people who enjoy making fun of me. The deadline for this will be Friday, August Twenty Third, so put on your thinking caps kids!
Sunday
Bahahaha!! Treasures! Even better than the Amazon.com Gold Box, I have found priceless memories from a costume party thrown at my old house last October. Here, for your viewing.. umm... "delight" are those very pictures.
Saturday
Yay! Sweet, sweet productivity. Spent some time today making the ol' Blog look a li'l' better, as well as sprucing up the house an' doin' a little laundry. Shall round out the day with a twilight walk along the waterfront and mayhaps take a go at Resident Evil.
Things that I wish were free:
A decent vacuum cleaner.
Strawberry milk.
Shipping and handling.
Advice.
Things that I wish were free:
A decent vacuum cleaner.
Strawberry milk.
Shipping and handling.
Advice.
Tuesday
Finally got a little work done on Four and 20 Blackbirds. I have an entire page written. It may not seem like much, but goddam it's a start.
I'm training at work for a new system that won't be implimented for at least 30 days... this seems a bit illogical, but hey, I don't have to make any phone calls for a few days.
My Mr. T. Chia head has begun to sprout!! Oh joyous day, if my mental calculations are correct, he should have a full head of hair in roughly one week and three days.
I can't believe I haven't posted in nearly a week.. honestly, I think one of the highlights was mid Sunday when I realized, after finishing a bottle of Night Train, that I was indeed drunk.. and it only cost two ninty nine.
Here's a poem about how hot it is today.
I went outside today, and what did I see?
A pan-fried squirrel lookin' back at me.
He wasn't really lookin', cuz he didn't have eyes,
and he probably was stinky cuz he was covered in flies.
Oh it's hot as fuck and I just want a beer,
it's hot as fuck but there's no beer here.
Yes it's hot as fuck and quarter past eleven,
said it's hot as fuck and I ain't in heaven.
No i ain't in heaven, said I ain't in heaven
I'M IN HEEEELLLL I'M IN HEEEEELLLL SOMEONE FUCKING SHOOT ME
I'm training at work for a new system that won't be implimented for at least 30 days... this seems a bit illogical, but hey, I don't have to make any phone calls for a few days.
My Mr. T. Chia head has begun to sprout!! Oh joyous day, if my mental calculations are correct, he should have a full head of hair in roughly one week and three days.
I can't believe I haven't posted in nearly a week.. honestly, I think one of the highlights was mid Sunday when I realized, after finishing a bottle of Night Train, that I was indeed drunk.. and it only cost two ninty nine.
Here's a poem about how hot it is today.
I went outside today, and what did I see?
A pan-fried squirrel lookin' back at me.
He wasn't really lookin', cuz he didn't have eyes,
and he probably was stinky cuz he was covered in flies.
Oh it's hot as fuck and I just want a beer,
it's hot as fuck but there's no beer here.
Yes it's hot as fuck and quarter past eleven,
said it's hot as fuck and I ain't in heaven.
No i ain't in heaven, said I ain't in heaven
I'M IN HEEEELLLL I'M IN HEEEEELLLL SOMEONE FUCKING SHOOT ME
More of my weekend is filtering thru my brain as I sit here and space out. Went to go see The Vines Saturday nite over at Dante's. The show was quite kick ass, and they did a bitchin' cover of Ms. Jackson by Outkast, but I have to say I really, really enjoyed the opening band. They're called OK go and inspired an idea entitled by my friend Joshua as "Rock Market". It's a sort've play on the stock market. If you find an up and coming band that you like an' think'll go huge, you buy Rock Stock. If the band gets huge, you make money. If they don't, well.. you don't make any money but you're supporting a band you love. Huh? Huh? Friggin' genius.
There's a light at the end of the tunnel.
Good news was issued at my place of employment. I'm listening to "Joyride" right now by Roxette and feeling giddy with anticipation. As I've mentioned in previous posts, I hate making collection phone calls. I hate it so very, very much. However, last week it was announced that the call center I work in will no longer be making outbound phone calls. It's scheduled to be phased out towards the end of the year, and we will be replacing those jobs with process and research stuff. Basically what this means is that I will no longer be talking to customers, and that makes me so, so happy.
There's no actual news that's happened to me, per say, but you need to check out this most amazing encounter my friend Megan witnessed one day along the Portland waterfront. She was there with a few friends, one of which had a recording device and another happened to have a digital camera (Which has convinced me to never leave the house without these things). Anyways, whilst they were out and about enjoying a wonderful summer day, they encountered a certain individual who was either an alien visitor from another planet or completely torqued on methamphetamines. You may visit this wonderful transcript of events here.
Good news was issued at my place of employment. I'm listening to "Joyride" right now by Roxette and feeling giddy with anticipation. As I've mentioned in previous posts, I hate making collection phone calls. I hate it so very, very much. However, last week it was announced that the call center I work in will no longer be making outbound phone calls. It's scheduled to be phased out towards the end of the year, and we will be replacing those jobs with process and research stuff. Basically what this means is that I will no longer be talking to customers, and that makes me so, so happy.
There's no actual news that's happened to me, per say, but you need to check out this most amazing encounter my friend Megan witnessed one day along the Portland waterfront. She was there with a few friends, one of which had a recording device and another happened to have a digital camera (Which has convinced me to never leave the house without these things). Anyways, whilst they were out and about enjoying a wonderful summer day, they encountered a certain individual who was either an alien visitor from another planet or completely torqued on methamphetamines. You may visit this wonderful transcript of events here.
Thursday
Man, what a slow week. Time is just kind've oozing like cold honey. I need to begin writing for Four and Twenty Blackbirds, but I keep getting sidetracked with friends and booze and drugs. It's hard to type with a beer in one hand and a bong in the other.
My friend Dave tried to give me a good idea for a story... something about a terrorist who joins the foreign legion... I just can't make it work in my head. Pretty much the only idea I think I can work with is a kleptomaniac who works store security. We'll see...
In other news, I finally freakin' beat Fatal Frame last nite. God-DAMN I love/hate playing that friggin' scary assed game. I'm going to take the wretched thing back to Electronics Boutique today and trade it in towards a copy of Resident Evil. Zombies I can handle. They can't walk thru walls.
Tomorrow I will be cleaning out what's left of the beer from the party on Saturday. My trusty friends Dave, Ryein and Eric will be put to the task of this spring cleaning alongside yours truly and Alicia. It needs to be done. There's a pony keg left that hasn't even been tapped, and by GOD... it will be drained.
My friend Dave tried to give me a good idea for a story... something about a terrorist who joins the foreign legion... I just can't make it work in my head. Pretty much the only idea I think I can work with is a kleptomaniac who works store security. We'll see...
In other news, I finally freakin' beat Fatal Frame last nite. God-DAMN I love/hate playing that friggin' scary assed game. I'm going to take the wretched thing back to Electronics Boutique today and trade it in towards a copy of Resident Evil. Zombies I can handle. They can't walk thru walls.
Tomorrow I will be cleaning out what's left of the beer from the party on Saturday. My trusty friends Dave, Ryein and Eric will be put to the task of this spring cleaning alongside yours truly and Alicia. It needs to be done. There's a pony keg left that hasn't even been tapped, and by GOD... it will be drained.
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