Many braincells fought valiantly and died last night. I will be spending the duration of my day doing absolutely nothing so the little guys can mount their forces once more. For blackmail evidence from the previous evening, click here.

Tonight I am going to set sail on a voyage of unimaginable drunkeness. I fully plan to do much harm upon my person in the form of various unstable liquor concoctions. If I don't black out, someone better bean me with an aluminum baseball bat.

I'm gonna do the best I can to capture the true, distilled essence that will be my 24th birthday party. Plans include a stationed camcorder, digital blackmail camera, and my blog left open to be used as a sort've message board of sorts for friends and loved ones to blather drunkenly about how I can make being passed out in a puddle of barf look damn sexy.

I can barely wait.

It's good to see that MST3K still lives in one form or another. Check it.

[Man sits at the bar in cafe nowhere with a dirtied plate and a cup of coffee reading a newspaper]

"Hook me up with another slice of happiness pie, Margie?"

[Camera follows pieplate as carried by "Margie". Camera continues slow pan to headline of newspaper as the new plate is set down. Headline reads, "Lost man from Minnesota washed up on Oregon coast"]

"I'll be damned..."

I just drank a half a pot of coffee. I'm listening to NOFX.. and I'm freaking out.

Alicia and I are throwing around the idea of purchasing two Sugar Gliders. Not only are they really, really adorable, but they can glide like a flying squirrel.

"Go long!"
"Sqweeeeeek!"

I've recently become horribly addicted to the 1960's Batman TeeVee show. It's so uber-camp the mere thought makes me dance the Bat-tusi and fall down repeatedly until I hallucinate about Batgirl.

That's about it for now, kids. The cap'n is off to make some cajun chicken Top Ramen and help Adam West battle hippies and beatnicks.

Hung over again.... I'd like to take a moment to promote the goodness that is Alka Seltzer Morning Relief. If some super genius hadn't invented it, I don't think I'd be quite the alcoholic I am today. It's rewarding, and at the same time comforting. You can drink and drink and drink the night before, and still feel okay with yerself. Cuz you know there's gonna be a nice bed to pass out in, and some Alka Seltzer to wash out that taste of used kitty litter from yer mouth when you eventually wake up.

The Camel representative was at the Silver Dollar last nite. All of my non smoking friends got me cigarettes ::wipes away tear of joy:: I now have seven packs of Camel Lights and Turkish Royal to work thru.

Spent my Amazon.com gift certificate already. I've never played this game, but it looks hella fun, 'n' someone said it was kinda like Marble Madness, which was a friggin' kick ass game. Click around the website, too. I'm not sure if they did it on purpose, but it seems the Japanese to English translation is so bad it was fed thru Babble Fish a couple times by a dyslexic eight year old hermaphrodite named Cleatus Sue. For Example:

'"Amusement Vision" have always been seeking to achieve the reality in our creations, but this time, cute monkeys and lots of fantasy taste appear in
the game. Let's get into it in arcade.'

Or:

'Only "Banana Joystick" is you need to control to roll the ball with the monkey inside it to reach the goal.'

And a final note on playing with your "Banana Joystick":

'The camera also shifts to face the direction ball is rolling, so be careful not to feel giddy.'

Today is turning out to be quite a glorious day of ass-kicking goodness. I must be brief, for I will be going out to drink away a few braincells.

Finally got the ball rolling for party songs.
Made my infamous Mexican Casserole.
Won a $25.00 gift certificate to Amazon.com.
Received my copy of Amelie in the mail.
Heard from one of my oldest friends.
Will be pickled in gin in T-Minus twenty minutes.

Nuff said.

Well, didn't start on the music selection as planned, instead watched The Hollowheads... which finally came in the mail after almost a month and a half after winning my bid on eBay. Alicia was so excited for this movie she almost forced her atoms to shift into another dimension. If you'd like more information on the movie, it's out there. I, however, am at a loss for once on just how to describe this movie in ways easily imagined by the reader. I suppose, simply put, it's a three way blending of Brazil, a circa 1950's "Father Knows Best" TeeVee show, and a modestly toned down Tromaville presentation.

And with that said, here's one result from today's Altavista Image Search Database Thingy Of Doom. Secret word: Spanky

Enjoy.

My birthday is drawing closer and closer.

Here's something me and Rebecca were discussing once: why aren't birthdays a celebration to our mothers instead of Mother's Day? Wouldn't that make more sense? What the hell did we (those being born) do except evacuate?

Anyhow, I'm not sure if I'm going to make this very complex. I'm thinking just drinkie-poos, music and what-nots. If anyone wants to help me define what exactly "what-nots" consist of, just email me. At the moment I could use the help. My last party thrown was quite a success, but there was also quite a bit more room (housewise) to work with at the time and my friend Ravyn tending bar. I think I'll start work on the music selection tonite when I get back from the salt mines.

Woo-Hoo!!! (Note multiple exclaimation marks indicating large amounts of excitement)

Post, dammit... for the love of god... post.. and publish....

I think my job is sucking away my soul. In case I've never mentioned it before, I'm in collections.. and it goes against everything I believe in. I feel as though I'm helping slop the great corporate pig, and it makes my skin itch. At this point, I honestly think I'd feel more at ease with myself if I had a nice back breakin', labor intensive job. Something where you can feel proud with yourself for coming home tired and cracking a beer. Sometimes it's spiritually confusing to come home after a long day of sitting on your ass for more ass sitting.

"In the city of the future, it is difficult to concentrate.."

I loathe the Saturdays I work... for me, it's difficult ordering a pizza, and here I am calling people up at eight in the morning to manipulate them out've their money. It's madness. The world needs to get back to basics, dammit. Anyone seen Omega Man? Charlton Heston flick? Apocolyptic disease turns everyone into these zombie vampires with afros, and Charlton Heston is the "last man standing in a world gone horribly wrong". If ya' have, ya' know what I'm talkin' about. Runnin' around stealin' cars from dealerships, ransacking grocery stores for food and army surplus outlets for bitchin' weaponry to fight off jive talkin' vampires...

Maaaan.... that'd be sweet....

I just saw some twenty-something year old guy pedal by my house on a Runt Bike while I was smoking.

Sometimes I seriously wonder if the world around me has gone mad.

I made this picture for work tonite.. I'm not sure if it sucks or not. Awhile ago, when we were first being introduced to our 3rd supervisor in about as many months, we were asked to pick a name for our team. Again, another one of those examples of the corporate kindergarden mentality. I had to rally hard against the popular vote, at the time being it was the "Superstars". I finally pulled thru with one of my suggestions, that being Squad 8:59. See, we get outta work at 9, and we all stand around at 8:59 waiting for it to be 9 and... and when you get a phone call at 8:59 it sucks.. and.... stuff.... yeah...

Am I boring you? Sorry, it's kinda late.

I've become recently addicted to putting random names into the Altavista Image Search Database Thingy Of Doom. My selection for the evening was the name Curtis. I was wonderfully rewarded with a site about Mr. Gary "Elvis" Friedrich. I will say no more. This is something one must check out for themselves.

Dear god I'm retarded... honestly, I must be somehow mentally retarded. I joke about how bad my memory is by making offbeat comments like I've got a teflon brain (Nothing sticks), but I seriously, seriously must have a fourty eight second memory span. I think maybe I'm going to start carrying around a notebook just so I can stop pissing people off when they tell me something and then ask me about it fourty nine seconds later only to get a vacant, drooling response.

Today is employee appreciation day at my job... I can only speculate on the kind of corporate kindergarden malarky that I'm going to be forced to endure for 2 hours. Why is it every company has to show their appreciation for employees by ordering pizza. Every friggin' time. And it's always presented by some mucky-muck in a suit in a sort've Iron Chef way. With a gracious sweep of the arm, encompassing the large array of artery clogging shite that they bought with their corporate discount, they open the gates for a herd of mindless drones to be ushered in. It's always the same.. paper plate, napkin, pizza, repeat.

Hey everyone, remember Brandon? Brandon has a problem. Unfortunately it's not one've those movie problems that can be solved by throwing a bikini car wash. Brandon recently lost his virginity (Well, since even Brandon can't remember the last time he got a little wink-wink, nudge-nudge, know-what-I-mean, we might as well just wipe the slate clean). Unfortunately, the individual said winking and nudging happened with.. well, may raise complications to Brandon's life.

For now, I'm just going to leave it at that. More news as it happens right here on KKFP.

A Haiku!

Beer is good for you!
So is smoking cigarettes!
I miss the 50's.

Busy busy busy! Spent my 4th of July moving my loverly new furniture into my house and cleaning it. My haul includes two green velvet chairs, a gold velvet couch and matching gold velvet chair (It rocks back and forth!). The problem being it smells quite a bit like old ladies and their decrepid one eyed cats. Rented a Rug Doctor and bought some Febreze, so now our house reeks of cleaner while the couch and chairs still smell a bit like Petco. Alicia says they just need to "air"... if that's true, I picture the air molecules ganging together in frightened clusters like the turtle paratroopers from Ernest Goes to Camp.

"I'm scared, Sarge."

Ravyn and Steve dropped by an' we let off illegal fireworks by the Jolly Inn alongside many drunken patrons that were doing the same. Dood, lemme tell ya, nothing makes for a better combination than beer, fire and gunpowder. I was feeling so patriotic I crapped my pants.

Stars 'n' stripes forever... *brrrp*

Honestly tho, the best thing about the fourth has got to be the 48 hour Twilight Zone marathon. I'm taking a moment now between episodes to try and realign my mental equilibrium. Every now and again I think I catch Rod Serling out've the corner of my eye, but he disappears when I try to focus on him.

Man... have you ever wanted to take a big bite out've a burrito from Taco Bell, spit it across their dining area and scream, "There's shit in the refried beans!!"

Yeah, me too.

Today is a bright and shining Monday.. Almost too much so. The air is so electric and the sky so clear I don't feel as if I'm in Portland right now. It's one've those days where you feel that almost anything is possible, and the idea of a clean slate makes your skin itch with repressed enthusiasm. All in all, it's very helpfull for me right now to try and clean out the mental cobwebs of my Gran'ma's death.. or "Passing Away", to make the listener more comfortable with the concept of finality. It seems to me that the term Death when used in reference to someone you know has a thicker, more solid term.
I.E.; My brother died.
But if you were to use the same sentence and changed "died" to, say, "has gone to a better place" or some such crap, it sort've has the mental reaction of cigarette smoke blowing against your cheek as apposed to having a camel non filter stubbed out in your jawline.
I guess I just don't understand why humanity feels the need to sugar-coat certain inevitabilities.

Nicky, Alicia's sister, moved out've our house yesterday. This has been something a long time coming, and now that it's here... well, I guess we're a bit lost on what to do next. It feels foreign at the moment. The walls are pretty bare, and we can't really move my furniture in until this Thursday. In the meantime, the house is pretty skeletal. Hopefully once we get things decorated, it'll feel a little better on the soul.

Hey! Guess what! I might be Jewish!
See, my mom was adopted without any past knowledge of her family lineage. So, as Alicia put it, I'm sort've like Lonestar from Spaceballs. Every once and awhile I get this neat fun fact about my geneology. Unfortunately, I didn't inherit a medallion that makes me a prince, but.. cest la vie.
But, back to the subject, my mom recently got a copy of her birth certificate and her mother's maiden name was Weitzel (Not sure about the spelling) which is, as I'm told, a relatively common German/Jewish name.
Maybe I'll go rent Schindler's List... I wonder if I'll get a little farklempt...